AN UNBIASED AND TOTALLY DEPENDABLE LOOK AT THE EAGLES SCHEDULE

Welcome to 2012, where high hopes are once again firmly planted on the shoulders of the Eagles. There’s no “dream team” bullshit this year, but this team is likely much better than the one Vince Young bragged about – on paper, of course.

So while we’re talking about paper and what’s on it, let’s look at the Birds’ match-ups from week to week to figure out how Foles Vick and company will fare.

Read the complete breakdown after the jump…

Week 1 (at Cleveland):
The Browns may have some good young talent, but really come on, the Eagles will probably repeat their preseason performance. The Dawg Pound will howl in horror.
WIN 1-0

Week 2 (vs. Ravens):
This will be a tougher one, but still a win. The Ravens are getting older, and their quarterback really isn’t that good. The Vick injury watch should begin right about now as well. By the way, Ray Lewis killed a man.
WIN 2-0

Week 3 (at Arizona):
LOL
WIN 3-0

Week 4 (vs. Giants):
Eli eats grass a few times. Vick limps around on the sidelines at least three times. McCoy makes the Giants D look silly (well, sillier than Justin Tuck already does), and the Birds continue their dominance against the New Jersey team.
WIN 4-0

Week 5 (at Pittsburgh):
I’m not going to fool myself here. The Birds will cruise out to the wrong side of the state and come back home with a loss. If Vick is still standing, this will be the game he gets knocked around enough to hit the showers early. And Creighton Rabs will score the winning touchdown.
LOSS 4-1

Week 6 (vs. Lions):
The Lions are up-and-coming and the Eagles aren’t going to like the result of this game. Expect the Birds to score less points than their opponents, probably leading to a loss if John Madden is to believed.
LOSS 4-2

Week 7 (BYE WEEK):
Watching film, tweeting on Twitter, healing from massive injuries (if you’re Vick)

Week 8 (vs. Falcons):
The shitass Falcons lose, but Andy Reid always wins after the bye.
WIN 5-2

Week 9 (at New Orleans):
The analysts will talk about hurricane lovers Katrina and Isaac, and Drew Brees will throw some balls really far that will be caught mostly be guys in Saints uniforms. Nnamdi makes some stupid plays, Eagles lose. The end.
LOSS 5-3

Week 10 (vs. Cowboys):
Haha, the Cowboys are trash. Dez Bryant catches one ball for 8 yards.
WIN 6-3

Week 11 (at Washington):
While the Redskins finally have a serviceable quarterback, RG3 is real confused because his receivers can’t catch footballs. Dan Snyder says the team is underachieving and thinks about all of the over-priced free agents he wants to sign.
WIN 7-3

Week 12 (vs. Panthers):
Cam Newton will fuck up the defense big time. The Birds may eek this one out, but don’t be surprised if they lose. This team is gonna be good.
LOSS 7-4

Week 13 (at Dallas):

Vick and the offense will probably look like trash. People will make jokes about the ostentatious stadium. Jerry Jones will smile and his facial features will move like tectonic plates. Vick gets injured at some point.
LOSS 7-5

Week 14 (at Tampa Bay):
I really like the old creamsicle Bucs uniforms. Sue me.
WIN 8-5

Week 15 (vs. Bengals):
Andy Dalton’s hair matches the orange on the Bengals’ helmets. Ginger quarterbacks never succeed.
WIN 9-5

Week 16 (vs. Redskins):
Even with RG3, the Redskins still aren’t very good. Some DC radio host will have a big meltdown after the loss. It will accomplish nothing.
WIN 10-5

Week 17 (at New Jersey):
This will be the best game of the season. Eagles win the game and the division. The Giants also make the playoffs. Eli makes a lot of dumb faces. DeSean will run a punt back for a TD.
WIN 11-5

Yeah I know I’m being optimistic and I’m not taking into account Vick or someone else getting hurt for an extended period of time. And someone important will be out for at least a few games. Despite all of this, the Eagles will be much better than they were last year.

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